Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Relieving an experience as a baby

Here is the story.
Last night - very nasty tachycardia episode again. Had horrible dreams - being force-fed mince -  5 meals worth. Digestion very 'upset' and nearly had an accident in the park today (thankfully there is a public toilet). I was upset walking around the park. Very tearful. I had a coffee then went home. I was feeling incredibly distressed and 'colic' symptoms. I had been told constantly by my mother how I was a nightmare for the first 3 months (and more??) of my life, how I cried constantly and wouldn't settle. My suspicion following my substantial crying today is that I was most probably left to cry as the school of parenting probably said that the child  must be left and not constantly pacified. Anyway, I cried a good long time, wailing. I was then exhausted. The cat lay on my chest briefly. I was then extremely depressed and very distressed. I spoke to the Samaritans, and texted a friend who appeared out of nowhere 20 minutes after my text. She was brilliant.
After your email, I reflected on the needs of that baby. 'She' was hungry (I hadn't eaten for 7 hours) and very cold. She needed a warm bath and then tucked up in a bed with 2 duvets and an electric heat-pad. The adult read a book. After a while, the adult got out of bed to scoop up the cat who was then content to lie on my chest with her paws around my neck, and stayed for about 15 minutes. Her physical presence is absolutely crucial at the moment (as she is the nearest thing I have). I am now in a lot of physical pain, very achy, and emotionally exhausted. The little one will be put back to bed again soon - but not after seeing if she would like something else to eat before she goes back to sleep in the same very warm and cosy bed with the cat.
It appears to me that these episodes may come up often. I must try to understand at some level this is not to do with Izzy today, but 'Isobel', who is reaching out. If I can start to understand these experiences, I may feel less afraid of them, and so very depressed, because it is Isobel who is still depressed.  With the skill of the adult, I may manage to facilitate much of further childhood somatic experiences on my own, but not without the nearby presence of close friends to support the adult, who is alone in a unique process. I have done this before in 'Mind Body Bowen' work (alone) which normally requires a therapist presence, but just like I don't always have my therapist with me, I can hear their words, and trust the process. I will be documenting these incidents as they come up. 'Every body tells a story,'