Here is the story.
Last night - very nasty
tachycardia episode again. Had horrible dreams - being force-fed mince
- 5 meals worth. Digestion very 'upset' and nearly had an accident in
the park today (thankfully there is a public toilet). I was upset
walking around the park. Very tearful. I had a coffee then went home. I
was feeling incredibly distressed and 'colic' symptoms. I had been told
constantly by my mother how I was a nightmare for the first 3 months
(and more??) of my life, how I cried constantly and wouldn't settle. My
suspicion following my substantial crying today is that I was most
probably left to cry as the school of parenting probably said that the
child must be left and not constantly pacified. Anyway, I cried a good
long time, wailing. I was then exhausted. The cat lay on my chest
briefly. I was then extremely depressed and very distressed. I spoke to
the Samaritans, and texted a friend who appeared out of nowhere 20
minutes after my text. She was brilliant.
After your
email, I reflected on the needs of that baby. 'She' was hungry (I hadn't
eaten for 7 hours) and very cold. She needed a warm bath and then tucked
up in a bed with 2 duvets and an electric heat-pad. The adult read a
book. After a while, the adult got out of bed to scoop up the cat who
was then content to lie on my chest with her paws around my neck, and
stayed for about 15 minutes. Her physical presence is absolutely crucial
at the moment (as she is the nearest thing I have). I am now in a lot
of physical pain, very achy, and emotionally exhausted. The little one
will be put back to bed again soon - but not after seeing if she would
like something else to eat before she goes back to sleep in the same
very warm and cosy bed with the cat.
It appears to me that
these episodes may come up often. I must try to understand at some
level this is not to do with Izzy today, but 'Isobel', who is
reaching out. If I can start to understand these experiences, I may feel
less afraid of them, and so very depressed, because it is Isobel who is
still depressed. With the skill of the adult, I may manage
to facilitate much of further childhood somatic experiences on my own, but not without the nearby
presence of close friends to support the adult, who is alone in a unique
process. I have done this before in 'Mind Body Bowen' work (alone)
which normally requires a therapist presence, but just like I don't
always have my therapist with me, I can hear their words, and trust the process. I
will be documenting these incidents as they come up. 'Every body tells a
story,'
