Saturday, November 23, 2013
Somatic Experiencing Session® - 22 November "Being Safe"
Having had a period of being rather unwell, I had missed several weeks of SE® work, so the session today was very much a re-introduction to the work to ensure 'safety.' T (Therapist) said that we would be doing very little in the next few weeks so that I could both experience and know what 'being safe' meant in my body - focusing on all the areas that felt OK. I had trouble with the fact my left TMJ, face and arm felt 'frozen' and immobile, but T said you can move your arm - and so I explored movements with my left arm and had my right hand on the most 'frozen' part of my left arm. T asked me to do movements with my arms that involved pushing away to the front, to the ceiling and with my arms outspread to push forces away and to explore use of space. T also asked me to stand very slowly so that I could experience feeling very grounded and very strong. T requested that I sat down very slowly also to continue to feel the strength in my legs - particularly in quads. The session ended. T reminded me of my earlier points of safety - e.g. the restaurant in Piccadilly, the 'butterflies' and other positive imagery to focus on in times of difficulty.
Thursday, October 24, 2013
Feeling angry and mental imagery
I am starting to realize that the feelings I wrote in my last post were also strongly related to anger. I did not appreciate or understand this until there was another trigger of a similar episode both yesterday, where I walked what I interpreted as "anger" out, walking fast in the park. This evening, I had the same feeling of chest-pain, pain radiating down my arms and then I cut-out, like a fuse blowing. I saw red. Someone sent me an email that upset me. I realized I was angry, tried to sit in both my shoes and that of the other person before replying in a moderated way to the email, whilst also being aware of the usage of email and how it can be interpreted or misconstrued. This was a work-related, rather than a personal matter, so sorted it out, before texting a colleague for support.
On my way home from work, I had found a really fantastic imagery which I am going to use, to diffuse my remaining anger. I could first dance, now I am home, but then this is my imagery (don't laugh!). My head and spine are the Central Line (think London Underground) and my arms and legs are the different branches of the Northern Line. My left arm is the Edgware Branch of the Northern Line with my elbow being Hampstead. My right arm is the High Barnet Branch of the Northern line with my elbow being Archway. My left leg is the Mordern Via Bank line, with my knee being 'Bank' and my right leg is Kennington via Charing Cross with my right knee being Charing Cross. There is a train in my body and it has to travel through all parts of the system including down the central line. I can use the train to track(!) my feelings throughout the body underground system. If there is a blockage on the line, I can divert my train to a freer part of the network. I am already sensing that the Edgware Branch is very constricted and blocked. The High Barnet, Kennigton and Morden branches are all OK. The Central Line is mildly blocked at my chest. If I think carefully, perhaps I can soften these blockages so the train can travel freely around my body. It is my imagery, and if it works for me, then that is great. My other imagery tools involve blue butterflies. Avoiding turning my head to the left is important in order to ignite traumatic imagery.
On my way home from work, I had found a really fantastic imagery which I am going to use, to diffuse my remaining anger. I could first dance, now I am home, but then this is my imagery (don't laugh!). My head and spine are the Central Line (think London Underground) and my arms and legs are the different branches of the Northern Line. My left arm is the Edgware Branch of the Northern Line with my elbow being Hampstead. My right arm is the High Barnet Branch of the Northern line with my elbow being Archway. My left leg is the Mordern Via Bank line, with my knee being 'Bank' and my right leg is Kennington via Charing Cross with my right knee being Charing Cross. There is a train in my body and it has to travel through all parts of the system including down the central line. I can use the train to track(!) my feelings throughout the body underground system. If there is a blockage on the line, I can divert my train to a freer part of the network. I am already sensing that the Edgware Branch is very constricted and blocked. The High Barnet, Kennigton and Morden branches are all OK. The Central Line is mildly blocked at my chest. If I think carefully, perhaps I can soften these blockages so the train can travel freely around my body. It is my imagery, and if it works for me, then that is great. My other imagery tools involve blue butterflies. Avoiding turning my head to the left is important in order to ignite traumatic imagery.
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
Tough day
Today was a tough day.
Something triggered "something" at work and I dissociated to the point someone asked me if I was OK? I had completely "cut off." Their question brought me back to the present moment. My chest felt tight, I was having difficulties breathing and felt very restless and agitated. I had tightness down the left-side of my body from the top of my head through my neck and into my chest and left-arm. My heart felt crushed. I was trying very hard to use some of my self-help tools such as imaging my safety of arriving at work, my friends and the restaurant at Piccadilly, but it was not really working. I tried to speak to myself to reassure myself it was OK, that here I am in the room and in the present time. I just wanted to get out. I had to leave work and was late arriving to have my hair coloured. As I arrived at the hairdressers I thought for one split second that I was going to have to cancel the appointment at that moment as I felt like I was "dying" and needed hospital at that moment.
I kept self-talking and trying to remain in the moment and breathe, as I felt my chest was so constricted. It was all very frightening. My hairdresser was asking me what colour I wanted my hair to be and what colour for highlights. I was asking for reds, but could not really hear what she was saying. Fortunately it seems I managed to communicate sufficiently and the end result was fine.
It took quite sometime - 2-3 hours before I could get out of this horrible experience and feel sufficiently "real" and myself again. I asked T for support and T reminded me to use all my imagery and to stay in the right side of the body and to try turning my head to the right (to avoid triggers to the left of the body) and to get myself back into the moment. I was, of course, trying so hard to do all these things, but it is so difficult and just very frightening (terrifying) to keep feeling like this and remaining in this space. I certainly hope that T and I can release this trauma properly in my next session.
Something triggered "something" at work and I dissociated to the point someone asked me if I was OK? I had completely "cut off." Their question brought me back to the present moment. My chest felt tight, I was having difficulties breathing and felt very restless and agitated. I had tightness down the left-side of my body from the top of my head through my neck and into my chest and left-arm. My heart felt crushed. I was trying very hard to use some of my self-help tools such as imaging my safety of arriving at work, my friends and the restaurant at Piccadilly, but it was not really working. I tried to speak to myself to reassure myself it was OK, that here I am in the room and in the present time. I just wanted to get out. I had to leave work and was late arriving to have my hair coloured. As I arrived at the hairdressers I thought for one split second that I was going to have to cancel the appointment at that moment as I felt like I was "dying" and needed hospital at that moment.
I kept self-talking and trying to remain in the moment and breathe, as I felt my chest was so constricted. It was all very frightening. My hairdresser was asking me what colour I wanted my hair to be and what colour for highlights. I was asking for reds, but could not really hear what she was saying. Fortunately it seems I managed to communicate sufficiently and the end result was fine.
It took quite sometime - 2-3 hours before I could get out of this horrible experience and feel sufficiently "real" and myself again. I asked T for support and T reminded me to use all my imagery and to stay in the right side of the body and to try turning my head to the right (to avoid triggers to the left of the body) and to get myself back into the moment. I was, of course, trying so hard to do all these things, but it is so difficult and just very frightening (terrifying) to keep feeling like this and remaining in this space. I certainly hope that T and I can release this trauma properly in my next session.
Friday, October 18, 2013
My Sixth Session of Somatic Experiencing®
Today was my sixth session of Somatic Experiencing® -SE®. My Therapist (T) asked me how I was. I said that I felt 'wired' that I had felt myself dissociate slightly, leaving above my body previously in the day and that now I had tension in my whole left side from the tip of my head down through my face and into the left side of my left neck and arm. I reported it was an unpleasant sensation, but that the rest of my body felt "good" and comparatively "OK." We talked a little about whether I had been abused, physically or sexually and I answered.
I had started the session on the floor with my back against the wall and my legs outstretched. T suggested that I moved to a very cushioned area of the room and heaped as many cushions as possible so that if I were to fall I would feel safe. I sat with my legs crossed. T noticed that I was sunk into my left hip. I said that this was a common posture that I adopted, even whilst sitting at my desk. T asked how I felt. I said that I felt an almighty pull to the left lead from the head. T asked me to imagine that there was a spring of equal force attached to the right side of the room that could equally pull me back to the right. T also gave me a towel to put under my right hand so that I could gain sense of presence if I became too involved in the unraveling trauma. I asked whether it was OK to get upset and that I was worried I would get too upset or out of control and that I felt afraid. T said that the idea was not to take me so into the trauma that I got to that stage and that we needed to do this work very very slowly, millimetre by millimetre so that overwhelm and overload were not the case otherwise we were allowing the nervous system to continue going around the same loop it had been for many years. The idea being to very slowly, and in a very controlled way, let the body go through the essential process of discharging this energy and physiology to re-set the nervous system. T requested that T be the one to tell me when I was to start either rotating to the left or falling to the left. I agreed to do this and that I would stop the millisecond something became difficult.
My first attempts just ended in me 'spasming' (twitching) and having to stop. T kept bringing back into the present, and into the room. On other attempts I would end up feeling strangled. We stopped the SE® work for a moment and I told the story about one of (two or three) reasons for this held trauma, one story being the most plausible. That story is not for the blog, but we continued to talk and were going to continue the SE® work, but I had to urgently use the bathroom. I realized that I would certainly not have had the option of using the bathroom whilst I went through what I experienced (at the time).
When I returned from the bathroom, T decided that we should conclude the session for the day. I felt a little mixed by that, almost confused, but also dazed and quite exhausted, so perhaps that decision had been for the best. For another two hours following the session I still felt "in it" to some degree and did not leave my place of work (a holistic health care centre) until I felt safe to do so. Even so, I managed to change onto the wrong bus and had a somewhat delayed journey home.
Now that I am writing this up, I feel quite sad. There is obviously more to uncover and T and I will do this during my next session in two week's time. I quite possibly need some processing time and also now some well-deserved rest.
I had started the session on the floor with my back against the wall and my legs outstretched. T suggested that I moved to a very cushioned area of the room and heaped as many cushions as possible so that if I were to fall I would feel safe. I sat with my legs crossed. T noticed that I was sunk into my left hip. I said that this was a common posture that I adopted, even whilst sitting at my desk. T asked how I felt. I said that I felt an almighty pull to the left lead from the head. T asked me to imagine that there was a spring of equal force attached to the right side of the room that could equally pull me back to the right. T also gave me a towel to put under my right hand so that I could gain sense of presence if I became too involved in the unraveling trauma. I asked whether it was OK to get upset and that I was worried I would get too upset or out of control and that I felt afraid. T said that the idea was not to take me so into the trauma that I got to that stage and that we needed to do this work very very slowly, millimetre by millimetre so that overwhelm and overload were not the case otherwise we were allowing the nervous system to continue going around the same loop it had been for many years. The idea being to very slowly, and in a very controlled way, let the body go through the essential process of discharging this energy and physiology to re-set the nervous system. T requested that T be the one to tell me when I was to start either rotating to the left or falling to the left. I agreed to do this and that I would stop the millisecond something became difficult.
My first attempts just ended in me 'spasming' (twitching) and having to stop. T kept bringing back into the present, and into the room. On other attempts I would end up feeling strangled. We stopped the SE® work for a moment and I told the story about one of (two or three) reasons for this held trauma, one story being the most plausible. That story is not for the blog, but we continued to talk and were going to continue the SE® work, but I had to urgently use the bathroom. I realized that I would certainly not have had the option of using the bathroom whilst I went through what I experienced (at the time).
When I returned from the bathroom, T decided that we should conclude the session for the day. I felt a little mixed by that, almost confused, but also dazed and quite exhausted, so perhaps that decision had been for the best. For another two hours following the session I still felt "in it" to some degree and did not leave my place of work (a holistic health care centre) until I felt safe to do so. Even so, I managed to change onto the wrong bus and had a somewhat delayed journey home.
Now that I am writing this up, I feel quite sad. There is obviously more to uncover and T and I will do this during my next session in two week's time. I quite possibly need some processing time and also now some well-deserved rest.
Fifth Somatic Experiencing Session®
My fifth somatic experiencing® SE® session started in a similar fashion to previous sessions with my therapist (T) asking how I was feeling 'right now'. I said that I felt more or less in my body and we talked a little about what that meant. I said how I had found the bath exercise of the week before harder than anticipated and that it was clear that I was still dissociating more than I thought. We talked some more about body contact. T asked how I would feel if approached and if T put T's foot on mine. I said that it would be OK, but my body gave a contradictory message and I flinched. T immediately retracted. T reframed things and asked about how I could be approached and that T would edge closer to me, but that I could stop T at any time I felt unsafe or threatened.
T and I were about 4 metres away from each other. T approached me and only got about as far from T's chair and one step towards me. T stopped. T said why had I not said "stop." I said that I couldn't and that I had simply frozen. Again, this was not what I expected having begun to gain trust in T and not felt threatened by T in any way, however, my body gave me away.
T then sat completely opposite me in the room, length ways so we were about 5 metres away from each other. T talked about physical and spatial boundaries. T got me to have a go at saying "no" in an assertive way with my arms outstretched firstly out in front of me, then upwards to the ceiling and then pointing downwards. I felt strong and empowered. This was the end of this session.
T and I were about 4 metres away from each other. T approached me and only got about as far from T's chair and one step towards me. T stopped. T said why had I not said "stop." I said that I couldn't and that I had simply frozen. Again, this was not what I expected having begun to gain trust in T and not felt threatened by T in any way, however, my body gave me away.
T then sat completely opposite me in the room, length ways so we were about 5 metres away from each other. T talked about physical and spatial boundaries. T got me to have a go at saying "no" in an assertive way with my arms outstretched firstly out in front of me, then upwards to the ceiling and then pointing downwards. I felt strong and empowered. This was the end of this session.
Thursday, October 17, 2013
Fourth Session of Somatic Experiencing ®
I came to my fourth session of SE® telling T (therapist) about my strange over-reactions to the pain CDs - these reactions were extremely surprising to me, and I am usually a "good student" who will do their homework. T said not to worry, and that they could be used again, and at least I had learned some things from them. We talked about how I felt. I said that I felt quite startled and threatened in myself and that I had edges. T and I had a long discussion about baths - because I said how much l loved being in the bath, so T suggested that an exercise for home might just be the physical experience of getting into the water; how that felt, with my feet, then my legs, bottom, rest of body etc. That would then be the end of the exercise. I agreed to do this.
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I came home from SE® and later that evening I ran a bath. I stood in the bath and noticed the change of temperature from my feet which radiated to my head. I then lowered myself into the bath and noticed that my thighs had goosebumps. I heard the crackle of the bubble bath and lowered my bottom into the water. At this point I cut-out, or dissociated from my body. I was aware it happened and certainly I cut out again by the time my body was submerged in the water. Again, I was surprised how much a (twice) daily activity presented me with such opportunities to physically "leave" or dissociate from my body. I tried the activity a few times in the week with very similar results. The feelings experienced before "cutting-out" were, I think both fear and shame.
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I came home from SE® and later that evening I ran a bath. I stood in the bath and noticed the change of temperature from my feet which radiated to my head. I then lowered myself into the bath and noticed that my thighs had goosebumps. I heard the crackle of the bubble bath and lowered my bottom into the water. At this point I cut-out, or dissociated from my body. I was aware it happened and certainly I cut out again by the time my body was submerged in the water. Again, I was surprised how much a (twice) daily activity presented me with such opportunities to physically "leave" or dissociate from my body. I tried the activity a few times in the week with very similar results. The feelings experienced before "cutting-out" were, I think both fear and shame.
Third Session of Somatic Experiencing®
Having had such a strong physical and emotional release after the second session, T (therapist) took things back a step so that we could explore in a different way what it felt like to be in my body. I clearly remember saying that my right side felt free and spacious, whilst the left side of my body felt tight and taut, with not much space. We spent a great deal of time with me creating my own imagery that there could be butterflies in the right side of my body, they were blue ones, about six to begin with, and they had plenty of space and they were free and happy, whilst in the left side, which was not entirely the left side of my body, but cut from my leg, up through to my left breast and top of head, there were a load of wasps there, and there was very little space for them. We kept going back to the freedom that about 3/4 of my body had compared to the tight space of the wasps in the remaining 1/4 of my body. Gradually I added more blue butterflies to the right side of my body, but they still had plenty of space and were happy. As I was able to focus more on the positive feeling of the right side of my body, so it seemed that the aggressiveness of the wasps calmed down.
I went to sit on the floor with my legs stretched out, and my back against the wall and we continued to embellish on the feelings of the butterflies. It was a happy and relaxing session.
We talked about my body outline and where I could/could not "feel" parts of it on the floor. We used the butterflies to imagine them visiting those areas of numbness, and T asked me if I would consider listening to a CD about 'Freedom From Pain' by Peter Levine. I agreed to do this.
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Although I was very interested in the academic part of the CD, and hearing about the theories of both pain and trauma, I had not anticipated my response to some of the exercises. I realized how much more work I had to do about my issues in relation to my own body and touch, let alone other people making too much contact or invading my space. For example, I found just tapping my body far too startling, and another exercise involving standing made me lock into my hypermobile knees and I started to 'spasm' on tectonic waves. It was clear my body was feeling unsafe, I felt very tearful and I had to make the decision to stop the exercises. This does not in anyway negate the usefulness these CDs will have, as I am ready to try to use them, and all the explanations about pain and trauma are excellent. It is just that things have to be done at my pace, which is more important.
I went to sit on the floor with my legs stretched out, and my back against the wall and we continued to embellish on the feelings of the butterflies. It was a happy and relaxing session.
We talked about my body outline and where I could/could not "feel" parts of it on the floor. We used the butterflies to imagine them visiting those areas of numbness, and T asked me if I would consider listening to a CD about 'Freedom From Pain' by Peter Levine. I agreed to do this.
********************************************************************************
Although I was very interested in the academic part of the CD, and hearing about the theories of both pain and trauma, I had not anticipated my response to some of the exercises. I realized how much more work I had to do about my issues in relation to my own body and touch, let alone other people making too much contact or invading my space. For example, I found just tapping my body far too startling, and another exercise involving standing made me lock into my hypermobile knees and I started to 'spasm' on tectonic waves. It was clear my body was feeling unsafe, I felt very tearful and I had to make the decision to stop the exercises. This does not in anyway negate the usefulness these CDs will have, as I am ready to try to use them, and all the explanations about pain and trauma are excellent. It is just that things have to be done at my pace, which is more important.
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