Trauma - muscle spasms/twitches

The last few sessions I have been having Craniosacral Therapy rather than Somatic Experiencing® or SE® work. T (Therapist) wanted to do some more 'hands-on' work with me before then getting back into SE® work, or perhaps doing CST and then SE in the one session. T has said this is important to help facilitate the work. So far hands-on work has been difficult for me as it has been clear that at times my body has been too "freaked-out" to cope with it. In fact, earlier on, T tried to approach me closely and touch my foot - but it was much-too much for me. The fact he is now doing hands-on work is a huge step forward. Over the past two sessions T just wanted to be able to tune into my body in terms of the tidal waves that the body produces and to get a sense of them. T said that the tides were very slow. On the second session  T managed to do some abdominal work which had a profound affect on my tummy - having had another admission to hospital for severe symptoms relating to my 'Functional Bowel Disorder.' I left feeling as though the contents of my abdomen had gone, and although I experienced extreme fatigue for two days following the session, my digestion did improve.

So two weeks later, here I was for another session that started of with CST work, but fairly swiftly mutated into SE®. The difference? T was working on the left side of my body, (much more traumatised) than my right side. Early into the work I started twitching - with movement particularly coming from L4/5 in my spine like someone had poked me from the back https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MuyJvWCIwDM. All these twitching movements were familiar as they had begun in 2009 during physiotherapy work. For an example read: http://danceinjuryrecovery.blogspot.co.uk/2010/09/constant-muscle-spasm-vascular-changes.html

After this had been going on for some time, T moved hands to one behind my shoulder, one behind my neck. The 'twitches' increased in intensity and in other parts of my upper left quadrant. T then removed both hands to see whether the intensity of the twitches would reduce. Although they did somewhat reduce, we continued to talk about them, how I had managed to 'be-friend' them over time. I said that I had no idea about how or why they had appeared, but that I had seen a neurologist, had an MRI and the neurologist had said it was a functional movement disorder, common in those with EDS. http://danceinjuryrecovery.blogspot.co.uk/2012/04/functional-movement-disorder.html

T decided to move to my right-hand side because he felt it might be safer. Not long after I said that I really needed to use the bathroom, which I did. I thought it must be nearly the end of the session, but T continued to work with me.  I climbed back on to the couch, but after a few minutes T suggested that I go and sit down. I went to stand for a while and then said I felt 'completely like jelly' and as if 'I had no bones.' I had no point of reference to stabilise myself and felt a little overwhelmed. T then suggested I started to do some jogging like movements - just rising and transferring weight. I started to do this and to use my arms, and then it hit me. I had never been able to run properly - as an adult or a child. This meant I would have never been able to escape movement. T said that this was absolutely critical and so important. It meant that rather than be able to take flight from a dangerous situation, I only had the option of freezing, thus limiting my choices. I started to get upset, briefly, but the upset disappeared and I made my way to sit down.

T asked me what I could feel. I said I could feel my thighs. We focused some more on what else I could feel and what felt OK in my body. Although we didn't get to all points of the body, we covered enough parts that I was put back together again. The muscular twitches were still going on, but in minor capacity. I said to T, "I am going to have to use all of my skills for the rest of the day," which T agreed with. I left the session feeling a little wobbly to say the least, but that I would be able to cope with intermittent twitches, which I did.

There were no further repercussions of the session until 2 days later where I felt like I had been hit by a bus and as if I had lifted about 15 children. I felt very sore and achey and massively fatigued and then felt very nauseous, although I wasn't physically sick. The rest of the day involved having more sleep and taking some painkillers. By the day after I was in a better space again. I wait to see what we do next session, but it is abundantly clear that these 'twitches' are trauma-related, that we aren't yet sure what the trauma is about, and that the left side is the "problem" or most traumatised side.

For more examples of my 'twitches' see https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JZblJySdXLE

Retracing Motor Development (1)

In my last Somatic Experiencing® session, T (Therapist) started to work on exploring my early motor development between the ages of 1-2, which is where we think problems begun. I was easily able to sit up and reach things, but when put on my tummy and asked to reach for a blue ball, I used my upper body to pull myself along to reach it, with no use of legs. T was quite surprised that this was how I moved, and then we started to work on using my legs and arms in a coordinated fashion, but now actual crawling, as such. I found this very difficult and tiring to do, which greatly surprised me, although the second attempt was easier. T then asked me to kneel with my bottom on my legs. I wouldn't do this (after a brief attempt), because my calves felt 'sore and wired.' I then explained to T about all my previous micro-tears to my calves and how sensitised they were. T looked at my upper body and neck and then gave me some exercises including depressing my shoulder blades and looking up, and having my neck in extension, which again caused problems as it was too difficult for me to go straight backwards, my neck deviated to the left, like someone with tortocolis. T asked if I could straighten it, but my neck "didn't want to." T gave me other exercises for gluteals and illio-tbial band and psoas. We were about to look at some emotional aspects, but unfortunately ran out of time....

Revisiting childhood development

Following a session where it was possible that my Somatic Experiencing work would be suspending, this was revoked during the session when I begun to share with T that I had started to feel like a child in the way in which I wanted to express my anger or upset. I said that I had images of a child sitting alone on a play mat with some toys and that I had wanted to shout (in anger), don't take my toy, its mine. On other occasions I had imagined that I was crying to the point that tears were flowing down my face and saliva (toddlers don't worry very much about tissues!).

I told T that in terms of my motor development that I was almost 2 years old before I walked and that I had never crawled but had bottom-shuffled in order to get about. I explained that although delayed walking was normal in our family, that it would have been related to my hypermobility and lack of stability. I explained how I had done lots of crawling in other somatic work - but acknowledged what an important part of development I had missed. Having had a look at T's own notes, T thought it was possible that I was stuck between 1-2 years of age in my development and that it was absolutely essential to revisit these stages. It was also discussed that this was possibly how/when my masking behaviour (masking emotions) had started. T said that it would be essential to go through all these stages in childhood/adolescence as they had obviously been missed. I asked T how I would manage this as it would obviously be inappropriate to be throwing bricks and shouting at people. T explained that the adult me would need to facilitate this work in a safe space - and that it was important to let out the anger/tears - perhaps using pillows to throw. I asked T if this was something we could go through in session and T said that it was. I will have to see what happens over the week, but have permission to explore these childhood states, and indeed as T says, this is absolutely essential.

I am fine, thank you!

This session of SE® was a little bit of a challenge. I had arrived feeling rather angry (caused by public transport), and had been doing my 'anger exercises.' T (Therapist) asked how I was. I said that despite feeling a little angry and stressed out about my journey to the session that I otherwise felt "fine" and that I could feel "nothing!" T asked for more information about "feeling nothing", but I insisted that there was nothing more to discuss about it because it was just as it was and that I felt well and fine. It was obvious (to me at least!) that I didn't want to explore the concept of feeling nothing or feeling fine. T, however, continued to probe this point.  I then started to get visibly weepy. T asked what was behind this. I said that I just couldn't go or explore the concept of not feeling fine or feeling nothing because it was too painful to consider that 3/4 of my life to date had been about not feeling well or fine and I didn't want to go there on this beautiful sunny day. T would not leave this alone and eventually I became angry and told T that this was the case.  T said, "that's OK." but I couldn't say goodbye and walked out and left the building in a fury.

It took me some considerable time to calm down - despite having to walk long periods of time both for another bus and another appointment. I was also upset because I liked T - so why had T made me feel this way. I felt confused.

I tackled T at the next session and T said again that what T had said about my anger was, "that's OK." I said I didn't know or understand how to interpret that as his face had showed no expression. We explored this further and then whether just at the moment that there was too much double up with other therapeutic work that I was engaged in. T said that it may be a good idea to take a break and that T wouldn't be abandoning me, not allowing me to come back. I took this as a straight rejection and became very upset. T asked where I felt this in the body and I said that it felt like a deep line along my diaphragm and shortly afterwards in my right shoulder and down my left arm into my little fingers. I said that I didn't want to stop the sessions. The next entry explores why suspending the sessions was no longer necessary.

Managing My Anger

My mother told me that as a child that it was very difficult to connect with me or to understand what I was feeling, as if I didn't show any emotion at all. If I did feel anger, I didn't know how to express it until very recently. I started to tell my psychotherapist that I was 'angry with her' and she was absolutely thrilled because it was an emotion that I had so far been so out of touch with. I was able to communicate anger a few times in a row, then it started happening regularly at work that I was possibly feeling anger, and I started to contemplate what I was experiencing physically. I started to feel a whoosh of heat, a tight chest and as if my arms were wired. Then it appeared that I would cut out and dissociate without discharging any of the anger. Although this wasn't so good, just acknowledging what anger felt in my body was a good starting point, whilst communicating the feeling. I told all this to my SE® Therapist (T) and we decided to work on it during the session.

T said that was really, really important for me to feel the ground and to be 'grounded.' T got me up on my feet and told me to relax my knees and to feel my quads really working. After a short while I found my angry pose. T asked me to think of something that had made me angry (I recalled something from the day before) and took a pose of anger with the whole thing effecting my eyes and my breathing became deeper and I became hotter. T then said to stretch out my arms whilst holding on to my fists, making a holding pressure of at least 7 and then very slowly release the pose and the pressure on my fists. We did this several times. I could feel how the anger was so held in the pose, but how the feeling gradually ebbed away as I released my fists and relaxed the pose. It felt good, and something I felt I could definitely practice over the week.

T explained to me that because of my autonomic nervous system -  sympathetic/parasympathetic nervous system out of kilter, with an overriding sympathetic nervous system - that at the moment my anger container may only be (T's figure) capacity of 23 before I trip switch and dissociate. By doing the exercise T suggested, over time my nervous system would learn how to manage and feel it and that my anger container would increase and increase with less dissociation. As usual with T, this all made sense. I left the session looking forward to feeling angry.

I was rewarded two hours later when I had waited over half an hour for a friend to meet me and I was feeling very hungry and increasingly angry. I shouted at people in the tube, before trying the pose somewhat. I wasn't entirely successful, but of course that was my first attempt. I am sure I will get plenty of practice in the very near future, and I look forward to seeing how I can discharge my anger, whilst acknowledging it. T also suggested that I could of course dance it - by doing lots of heavy and grounding type moves. This was something I discussed I had already done. I will be interested to see how I mange my anger, but it has got to be a lot healthier to discharge it rather than bottle it.

To my father

I would say that this SE® session has been one of the most significant to date. I explained how I had been quite highly strung and stressed out at work, "in the red" I further went on to say how apparently I am talking and my face is quite "frozen" - as if I have had botox, and that I am finding it hard to make eye contact (shame). I told T (Therapist) how I had felt like "wanting to be a baby" and lying on the floor like one. I also said that I had started having lots of flashbacks and vivid dreams. Overriding all these emotions, I then said I was "terrified" about turning 40 this year, because my dad had died of a massive heart attack when I was only ten years old and that I had found his body. T asked me where I felt this in the body. I said it hurt in my heart, with occasional tingling down my left arm into the last 2 fingers, and that my neck felt perpetually pulled to the left. I started to cry. We talked some more about the events of that evening, of having to run to a neighbour who was away, and having the police turn up because it was a sudden death. The conversation then went on to talking about death in general, and how taboo it is in our society. I then talked about my grandfather (father of my dad) and how that had only been six months before my dad dying and what that was like. Shortly after, and thinking about my own dad, I started to cry uncontrollably. This went on for some minutes. I was masking my face in total shame, to be crying so loudly in front of T, but it was all totally necessary. I said that there were buckets of tears to cry. T said, that much pain can be held in the heart, and showed me the fist of the size of the heart. I agreed. I felt exhausted by the end of the session, but it was a relief to start to talk about this with T, as I had been doing in psychotherapy, and that serious processing was beginning. Later I felt more anxious and took some Diazepam to calm me down as the day had been incredibly stressful.

Giving myself a hug!

I haven't reported on my SE sessions for a while - but the work is subtle and sometimes I don't always think something has happened until later on. This week and last week's sessions are good examples. When I caught up with T (Therapist) on my session dated 11-4-14, we spent much of the time talking about my recent surgery and how  I had coped with the anaesthetic, which was far better than I can have imagined, and then post-surgery. We developed this discussion on my session dated 18-4-14. T had noticed on both sessions that I was weepy. T said, "let's embrace those tears." On the session dated 11-4-14 this abated very quickly, but on the 18-4-14 this went on in waves during the session. In fact, this had been going on for several days before the session. T said that it was important for these tears to come out, in whatever way they chose to come, and not to stop them. Something that was different about the latter session was that I opted to sit on the floor rather than the chair, as I had been doing for many weeks in the past. I am not sure of the reason for the change. I think there was a need to be feeling "grounded" and my back was very painful, so perhaps a need to feel the wall to support it rather than a chair.

During the session, I felt the need to push what I perceived as negative and stressful feelings away, using my arms and pushing out to the side, up above and down below. I put my finger tips together. T was impressed how quickly I was able to use my resources. I then added a new one to my repertoire, all of my own accord. I just started to give myself a hug. I stayed in this pose or position for a good few minutes. It made me feel safe and reassured.

As per usual, I left the session(s) feeling much more grounded, connected, calmer and safer in myself. I left the latter session to go and do a meditation, and was more present and in the moment than I have ever managed before.