Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Little girl lost

I had a very challenging SE® session, the most challenging to date. I said in session I felt rather stressed and T (Therapist) threw me the blue ball I like so much. I was crying. T asked about the tears and what I felt. A lot of the session appeared to be about the sadness I saw in some pictures of myself in childhood, how the eyes changed over the years. We talked about whether I could embrace that little girl, but it felt too difficult. I cried on the way home from the session, and was later thrown into further turmoil - something had bitten me from the past......

Saturday, February 15, 2014

The Yellow Soul

It seems that T(Therapist) is keen to focus on re-balancing my parasympathetic (rest and digest) and my sympathetic (fight or flight) nervous systems as the sympathetic is just way too dominant still and there is far too little parasympathetic to counter balance in a more healthy way. It is during the parasympathetic dominance I am likely to rest and for my body to repair and heal, whilst it is perpetually in an accelerated sympathetic state. I talked about how, even when I eat at home, I am usually doing something else (on the computer) or get up several times during eating to go and get up and about. T has suggested that I treat a meal as a religious ceremony and dedicate the time to mindfully eating with no other distractions!

Today we talked about souls in the body which do not feel pain and are separate entities to the physical or cognitive or cerebral body. The soul and my ethereal being separate and not experiencing pain, but acting as a third eye to my body, watching over it. They say the soul never dies... perhaps this is why. Anyway, it got me thinking. I decided very quickly and definitely that my soul was a bright yellow circle, flat, not 3D and that it was in my neck, separating my mind from body. It was a bright yellow light and about the size of a sink plug hole.

After a while, as I relaxed in the session, I started thinking of yellow sand and lying on beaches and this made me ever more relaxed and sleepy. I then told T was later going 'speed dating' to which T sighed, amused - "it would have to be speed-dating with you, wouldn't it?!!!"

I left the session feeling relaxed but recharged enough to go speed dating, although I am paying for this today as it was utterly exhausting. I met a few people I liked, but only one where there might have been a meeting of minds more in a work-sense than anything romantic. I am not sure speed-dating is really for me, but felt if I didn't try, I wouldn't know.

Today, my parasympathetic nervous system is going to have its own way.

My soul is quietly there, radiating yellow light in a peaceful way. I feel relaxed.

Sunday, February 9, 2014

King Henry VIII

Following the trauma of yet another hospital admission - nine nights at the helm of a diverticulitis attack, T (Therapist) conducted a SE® session based on re-establishing calm and safety.

I had already cried at work, earlier in the day, and was rather tearful on and off during the session, although it was unclear what the tears were about. T did ask, but I was unable to explain. I suspected relief, and letting off a safety valve, as felt that I was overwhelmed and in the 'red' again. I said how I felt 'chest pain' but that got relieved a little after crying.

During the session T asked me to imagine being someone strong. For some reason I immediately thought of a) a king. Then King Henry VIII. Strong, large, with his sword by his side. The ability to cut off someones head. Suddenly I felt very powerful, calm, masterful and in control.


The next day, I had reason to use my King Henry VIII imagery as I had just been to see a GP at the emergency walk-in centre who told me I might have hospital-induced pneumonia, that my BP was 150/101, so very high and that I had a high temperature. My chest sounded terrible. I also told her I thought my diverticulitis was just starting up again as I had had tummy pain from the morning. Initially she was typing some prescriptions, but upon hearing about the diverticulitis decided I should go straight to A&E. I was already feeling rather anxious about all this information, had packed a hospital bag (in case of need) and took a cab to A&E, where I used my imagery of King Henry VIII. It was the only real tool I had to try and calm me down, as well as looking to the right (looking left is where part of my traumas lie). Upon arrival to A&E, after being triaged and admitted to the 'Majors' dept, I had an  ECG, BP, temperature taken, was left for a few minutes and then I started howling in distress. I was told to be quiet and 'what is all this about?' by a very dismissive and unsympathetic nurse. I tried to use my imagery again, but actually the tears were very needed, both then and much later when I returned home. I am sure even King Henry VIII must have cried at some point or another. I put my armour down and succumbed.