Following a session where it was possible that my Somatic Experiencing work would be suspending, this was revoked during the session when I begun to share with T that I had started to feel like a child in the way in which I wanted to express my anger or upset. I said that I had images of a child sitting alone on a play mat with some toys and that I had wanted to shout (in anger), don't take my toy, its mine. On other occasions I had imagined that I was crying to the point that tears were flowing down my face and saliva (toddlers don't worry very much about tissues!).
I told T that in terms of my motor development that I was almost 2 years old before I walked and that I had never crawled but had bottom-shuffled in order to get about. I explained that although delayed walking was normal in our family, that it would have been related to my hypermobility and lack of stability. I explained how I had done lots of crawling in other somatic work - but acknowledged what an important part of development I had missed. Having had a look at T's own notes, T thought it was possible that I was stuck between 1-2 years of age in my development and that it was absolutely essential to revisit these stages. It was also discussed that this was possibly how/when my masking behaviour (masking emotions) had started. T said that it would be essential to go through all these stages in childhood/adolescence as they had obviously been missed. I asked T how I would manage this as it would obviously be inappropriate to be throwing bricks and shouting at people. T explained that the adult me would need to facilitate this work in a safe space - and that it was important to let out the anger/tears - perhaps using pillows to throw. I asked T if this was something we could go through in session and T said that it was. I will have to see what happens over the week, but have permission to explore these childhood states, and indeed as T says, this is absolutely essential.