Sunday, June 15, 2014

I am fine, thank you!

This session of SE® was a little bit of a challenge. I had arrived feeling rather angry (caused by public transport), and had been doing my 'anger exercises.' T (Therapist) asked how I was. I said that despite feeling a little angry and stressed out about my journey to the session that I otherwise felt "fine" and that I could feel "nothing!" T asked for more information about "feeling nothing", but I insisted that there was nothing more to discuss about it because it was just as it was and that I felt well and fine. It was obvious (to me at least!) that I didn't want to explore the concept of feeling nothing or feeling fine. T, however, continued to probe this point.  I then started to get visibly weepy. T asked what was behind this. I said that I just couldn't go or explore the concept of not feeling fine or feeling nothing because it was too painful to consider that 3/4 of my life to date had been about not feeling well or fine and I didn't want to go there on this beautiful sunny day. T would not leave this alone and eventually I became angry and told T that this was the case.  T said, "that's OK." but I couldn't say goodbye and walked out and left the building in a fury.

It took me some considerable time to calm down - despite having to walk long periods of time both for another bus and another appointment. I was also upset because I liked T - so why had T made me feel this way. I felt confused.

I tackled T at the next session and T said again that what T had said about my anger was, "that's OK." I said I didn't know or understand how to interpret that as his face had showed no expression. We explored this further and then whether just at the moment that there was too much double up with other therapeutic work that I was engaged in. T said that it may be a good idea to take a break and that T wouldn't be abandoning me, not allowing me to come back. I took this as a straight rejection and became very upset. T asked where I felt this in the body and I said that it felt like a deep line along my diaphragm and shortly afterwards in my right shoulder and down my left arm into my little fingers. I said that I didn't want to stop the sessions. The next entry explores why suspending the sessions was no longer necessary.

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