Saturday, May 10, 2014
To my father
I would say that this SE® session has been one of the most significant to date. I explained how I had been quite highly strung and stressed out at work, "in the red" I further went on to say how apparently I am talking and my face is quite "frozen" - as if I have had botox, and that I am finding it hard to make eye contact (shame). I told T (Therapist) how I had felt like "wanting to be a baby" and lying on the floor like one. I also said that I had started having lots of flashbacks and vivid dreams. Overriding all these emotions, I then said I was "terrified" about turning 40 this year, because my dad had died of a massive heart attack when I was only ten years old and that I had found his body. T asked me where I felt this in the body. I said it hurt in my heart, with occasional tingling down my left arm into the last 2 fingers, and that my neck felt perpetually pulled to the left. I started to cry. We talked some more about the events of that evening, of having to run to a neighbour who was away, and having the police turn up because it was a sudden death. The conversation then went on to talking about death in general, and how taboo it is in our society. I then talked about my grandfather (father of my dad) and how that had only been six months before my dad dying and what that was like. Shortly after, and thinking about my own dad, I started to cry uncontrollably. This went on for some minutes. I was masking my face in total shame, to be crying so loudly in front of T, but it was all totally necessary. I said that there were buckets of tears to cry. T said, that much pain can be held in the heart, and showed me the fist of the size of the heart. I agreed. I felt exhausted by the end of the session, but it was a relief to start to talk about this with T, as I had been doing in psychotherapy, and that serious processing was beginning. Later I felt more anxious and took some Diazepam to calm me down as the day had been incredibly stressful.